Me, Myself and I

OUT of the blue, someone I practically just met remarked: “You don’t know who you are.” Taken aback, instinctively I responded, “No, I don’t.”

I was speaking from the standpoint where as human beings we’re always in a state of formation, of being and becoming, of self-actualising.

Huh. Strange comment, I thought, and moved on.

But his words kept haunting my memory. If my admission were true, the person I think I am is actually only a memory I have of myself… unless I fix myself to time and space, which I cannot.

If I am the thinker of my thoughts, the perceiver of my emotions, the observer of my actions… that makes me more than my thoughts, actions, and emotions, doesn’t it? So the real me, is beyond my five senses? I think myself to be… someone who empowers others. I think myself to have… qualities that support my mission. Hmm… I appear to be a force greater than myself. That man was right. I don’t know who I am.

Park that. Suddenly, with this piercing awareness, life, like a mirror, through a sequence of events and relationships, seemed intent on reflecting back images of me, showing me glimpses of myself. The message is that I must be more patient and compassionate, more accepting and less questioning, more open and less suspecting.

Apparently I must be more alert and awake to the needs and values of others. I must free myself from expectation. I must allow innocence – experience new impulses without criticism or censorship. I must work on my freshness – that is, release old traumas and not let the past cast shadows over the future. And to protect my energy, I must replenish my capacity to renew and rejuvenate.

It’s not easy to take feedback, let me tell you. One’s first reaction is to deny and defend. But how would that serve me? I figure the better way is to accept and honour my duality – strengths coexisting with weaknesses, courage with fear and pride with guilt or shame.

More struggle, because ego demands public importance, exclusiveness, and separation. Its place is to fulfil our lower needs – to survive, be safe and to belong. When everything is about I, Me, Mine, how can we think of others? How to contribute? How to reach my highest and best?

To bolster courage and confidence and to free myself from insecurity and fear, I take the bull by the horns. Will my true identity suffer if I reveal this? Will my essence be diluted? Why do I hide my impulses? How would I be hurt if this is exposed? When I hear a voice judging me harshly, who from my past is actually speaking? Why do I choose to live with guilt instead of without it? Why not choose to be free?

Some people try to self-actualise through their lower needs. They believe they can find meaning, happiness, or significance through the things (or people) they own, the money they have. What do you think? I should think we’re in trouble the moment we start defining ourselves by what we have. I’ve called this psycho-shopping, psycho-eating and psycho-sexing. Weighs us down, doesn’t allow us to connect with our higher needs – unity, justice, order, contribution, beauty, significance, legacy etc.

Do these have meaning for you also? Once we serve our basic requirements for life and love, they subside. With a roof over our head, clothes on our back, and food in our tummy, the deeper reality can manifest – one that ego has little or no awareness of – the truth about life itself.

Einstein said no problem could be solved with the same level of awareness that caused it. So there must be a higher consciousness within me… the place where my creativity, insight and inspiration come from. Apart from ego, I am this higher consciousness. I am my personality (or character) my mind-body. All these components blend confusingly into each other. That’s why I don’t know, or forget, who I am!

So how is this related to reaching my potential? If my best life equals feeling safe and secure about myself, feeling lighter and less burdened about little things… if I want to feel peace, if I want to stop acting on my fear, doubt, and anger, then I want to be able to go to that place within me and know that I am connected to that force that is greater than myself.

Then I become wholly, completely and entirely all that I am. Then I am connected to All That Is.

Tessie Lim is the Founder of World Center of Personal Excellence, a company she set up for the purpose of enabling and driving dreams through facilitating and realising potential, defining purpose and meaning for an optimal life. She is a certified performance coach with an extensive background in behavioural psychology, marketing, business and education. You may write to her at tess@wpx.com.my

Letters will be edited for length and clarity.

DOCTOR WHO’S SO MISERABLE AT WORK

Q: To please my parents, I recently graduated from medical school. But I find ward work difficult and I’m so miserable.

A: Our emotions often indicate whether we’re in alignment with our true self. We get angry when we feel our rights are being violated or we get dispirited when we’re not passionate about work.

Then again, there are some things we do that we may not enjoy, like exercise. Sometimes we just need to get started to appreciate the benefits. The more we exercise, the more we reap the reward of health and fitness. In the end, what it boils down to is commitment and the question is, “how committed are you to being true to yourself? How committed are you to being happy?”

Ask “what are the qualities that make me feel really good about myself? What do people say I’m good at?”. You say you’re a doctor because of your parents. What would you rather be? Like most parents, yours obviously want your wellbeing – financial, physical, and emotional. Perhaps you show them you can have all these by doing something you choose for yourself?

NOT GIVING UP HER CHEATING HUSBAND

Q: When I found out that my husband had an affair, I was angry but I love him and want him back. I don’t want to throw away our years of happiness or deprive our children of a happy family.

A: You want your husband back the way he was? Well, that’s not possible. He’s been with other women and if his affair was with one woman, then he’s built emotionally-intimate ties outside. If you want him back, you’ll have to take him back as a different man. Can you do it?

It sounds harsh, I know. That it’ll be up to you to make things good again. Not impossible. Hillary Clinton did it. She saved her marriage and retained her self-respect. Sienna Miller didn’t with Jude Law though he desperately wanted her back. She chose to move on – to better men I hear.

I don’t mean to sound flip, but here’s the thing. A woman’s love and loyalty to our cheating partner can be seen as being a tad desperate. Why is it that betrayed parties are given the hardest time? Society lauds “fellas who are playas” while we scorn other women who “can’t even hold onto their husbands”.

My advice is to talk to your husband. Fight for what you want but decide together. For things to work, it’ll have to be what you both want.

Genius ... who me?

Student: I was so scared, I froze.
Tess: What thoughts entered your mind, that made you access the state of fright? What pictures did you see in the theatre of your mind... that sent a command to your nervous system, causing your body to “freeze?”
Student: My teacher pouted, pointed, paused, then she pounced.
Tess: What did she seem like when she did that?
Student: Like a wicked witch.
Tess: How big was she... what colour was she?
Student: Like a monster... big and black. Her finger was boney.
Tess: And how did you feel then?
Student: Horrible... Ugggghhhhh. Like she wanted my blood.
Tess: Hmmm... if the best learning is when we’re relaxed and having fun, is inducing fear a great strategy for encouraging learning?
Answer: NO (duh).

EVERY experience (positive or negative) has a structure. Therefore we can, if we’re not careful and most times unconsciously if we stay around others along enough, imitate their characteristics or habits (useful or not) and become like them.

Like how history and culture can affect our way of being in the world – whether corporate or social – and we only ever realise we exhibit these traits when we control quality and practice self-awareness.

When our sensibility kicks in, we notice our quirks or when other people say, “Oh how fascinating!” or “Eeew, yuk!”

What’s important about knowing this is... because human beings share the same neurology – if someone can, we can.

Remember the one-minute mile? Yes, after Roger Bannister ran it, suddenly hundreds could do the same. That’s right, we can when we think we can! And what we want is to consciously model genius, not unconsciously mimic idiots. What we want is to constantly measure ourselves against the greats, not mark ourselves down or sell ourselves short by imitating mediocrity.

For five years now, I’ve travelled far and wide to study the process and format of what enables people to perform their unique and personal excellence. I’ve spent time working with genius of all types – entrepreneurs, entertainers, coaches and trainers (like me) and also the less official kind – social workers, university students, and parents.

All the time, I ask myself, “How are they able to be so extraordinarily successful... so effective, and yet able to live and breathe peace and happiness? How is it that the product of their genius expands and spreads happiness all around to others?

Of course, every man I interviewed claimed to be an expert lover. (And they were only too eager to demonstrate how.) Fortunately genius is as genius does, and their trail of evidence isn’t solid enough to convince me!

Here’s the pattern. From countless hours of interviews and listening (even to what isn’t said) from calibrating facial expression, gestures, spatial and non-verbal cues, I’ve discovered that everyone I consider an expert, goes through this process. Definition of expert: Someone who has accomplished more in their field than others and has the supporting social panorama as evidence.

1. Honouring Self

Each subject has a high level of self-esteem and a firm belief in their capabilities. While they all understand and accept they have weaknesses, each subject has a strong sense of response-ability and ownership over their existence, believing they have power over Self and control over their choices.

2. Clearing interruptions

Each subject has an array of “tools and tactics” that successfully removes blockages, resistance or excuses. In order for them to perform at higher levels, they deploy any or all of these, thus clearing the pathway to excellence. The belief frame is, “it’s a long and winding road to success – when the going gets tough, the tough get going.”

3. Intense focus and purposefulness

Each subject knows exactly what they want. They do not dabble. They have a definite strategy for personal effectiveness and get a twice done in half the time. They work all the time. They say, “what I do is so enjoyable, it doesn’t seem like work at all.”
Imagine applying yourself to life at your genius levels! After all, genius is only a state, just like inspiration and creativity are states.

No doubt, a complex state... or what we call an emergent state... a state that arises out of a combination of several states. Would focus + purposefulness + passion + creativity + curiosity increase your genius? What else could texture and fine-tune “genius” for you?

So how will you know when you’re in the “zone?” Each subject describes a state of (wonder + delight + congruence + heightened awareness) — a place where time stands still and the world goes away... Hmmmm... Genius > Best Life. That’s so right!




Irritating boy in class who says silly things
Q: There’s a boy in my class who really irritates me. He’s always fooling around and wasting everybody’s time. He’s not actually dumb but it seems like he doesn’t get anything from what the teacher says. I want to shout, “what about that didn’t you understand?”. He says the silliest things.
A: So there’s a boy who fools around and seemingly doesn’t “get” his lessons.
What he does have is the ability to push your buttons, so much so you “get irritated” and want to shout.
You use labels like “not dumb,” “silly” and “wasting time”. I wonder... as you step back from all this, what are you beginning to realise about yourself — as his classmate, as a person?
Isn’t it funny how we learn about ourselves when we interact with others? There’s the tendency to judge, blame, label and make excuses, but the question really is, “who am I? What do I want?”. Is your self-identity dependent on other people’s behaviour or is it solidly up to you who you wish to be?
How we portray ourselves — if we have a “tit for tat” attitude — if we pick on others and compare them with ourselves, whether we have a superiority or inferiority complex, will show straightaway in our words and behaviour.
I like to play this game: I ask myself, “If I were a friend, what would I do? If I were to share my gifts, how would I behave?”
Ask yourself, “What would I need to think so he doesn’t have such power over me?”



So difficult to find good workers
Q: I’m a human resources manager in a small firm. It seems I can’t find good staff. Everyone doesn’t last. They all want less work, more pay. They say things like, “your business is too complicated for me”. What do I do?
A: You tell me! I’ve been asking myself the same question! I’ve also been noticing how I’m attaching unpleasant feelings to stuff when this happens.
I don’t like feeling those things (like self-flagellation: “Did I do something wrong?”), so I ask myself, “Hey what if I could experience something nice instead, as those people demonstrate what you described.
Now when I experience that, I play a cartoon in my head (like rewinding a funny film where the characters speak like chipmunks!)
And when that happens, I do a quiet giggle and I’m able to smile as I feel the humour come through.
What else can I say? What can we do? For as long as people have this “Gimme! Gimme!” attitude (meaning they want to take and not give) or they keep “I can learn!” out of their menu list of possibilities — then I say arm and insulate yourself with as much humour as you possibly can.
That’s how I stay positive. Find out what technique will work for you.