Feel The Magic Happening

THERE’S magic in the air! Can you feel it? It’s like pure oxygen. Breathe it, believe it! Wake up… to the possibility, let’s make it a reality… of living a life driven by principles and values. Last week, as if by magic…

“Family is the most important thing in our lives. It’s the basis for all that is going to happen,” says Datuk Dr Tap Salleh, president of the Integrity Institute of Malaysia.

Datuk Deva Mohd Ridzam, a former diplomat, talks about Asean values: Democracy and mutual trust within the Zone of Peace, Freedom and Neutrality. He says that talking in abstract concepts will not help, not now, as we face global food, financial and energy crises. He proposes setting up terms of reference, monitoring benchmarks, compliance and funding mechanisms to actualise socio-economic progress.

“A lack of morality will leave the nation floundering,” says Raja Dr Nazrin Shah, the Raja Muda of Perak who called for an index to measure human capital development, one that includes success in forging and nurturing good values in society.

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi promises equal share of quality opportunities to all races. Valiant. Brave. Monumental. Fairness can be a controversial, even volatile subject. With people from many cultures and backgrounds living together and sharing resources, it’s not uncommon to have groups feel that they’re being discriminated against. The principle “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is founded on the value of fairness.

When was the last time you applied “fairness” with conscious thought? I mean in the context of teaching fairness by example. We may have good reason to compromise our standards, but unless we explain our reasons, people may perceive situations as unfair. Many leaders fail to broaden our understanding of fairness.

“Our government, our legislators, and our neighbours are honest. Our word is our bond.” Is there just cause to doubt the truth of the above statement? Society has traditionally counted on public figures – our politicians, business mavens, athletes and celebrities to be our role models. Since the behaviour of some of these reveal a lack of integrity, where might we find new role models?

Honesty is the basis of trust. Trust is the basis of relationships. Do you know someone who has a good relationship that lacks trust? Honesty is a developing concept for children below the age of seven but I believe many adults also struggle with it. The fact is, people need to experience honesty in order to learn how to live it. We practice honesty when we speak truthfully. We have integrity when we’re honest with ourselves, holding true to our own code of values – ethical and moral.

Today, so much of life has to do with getting. We want more, more, more! Values, in contrast, have to do with being, sharing, and giving. For example, we practice tolerance when we maintain a fair and objective attitude toward others, especially those who differ from us in opinion, practice, belief or custom. Tolerance allows us to accept, appreciate, and even to celebrate our differences.

Fear is often the reason for our reaction. Take envy. Does it come from fear of not being good enough, or having enough? Is envy generated by fear of loss?

Courage is strength to not follow the crowd, to say no and mean it. Courage is being true to our convictions, our values, even when inconvenient.

Ours has become a violent society. Today we fear for our children when they walk out of home and even when they’re in school. Children are unable to build strategies for being courageous on their own. As adults, are we equipped to help them?

Determination and commitment protect friendships. They allow us to accept and honour despite difficulties, disagreements and disillusionment. Determination and commitment make it possible for us to realise our goals. We have become a “quick fix” society. If a toy breaks, we throw it away. If the job gets difficult, we quit. When our wife “doesn’t understand us,” we get a mistress. Determination and commitment keeps us focused. When we’re guided by conscience, we’re less likely to cheat when the opportunity presents itself.

The fastest way to actualise transformation is to change the way we see ourselves. We can make small changes here and there by adjusting our attitudes and behaviour. It’s when we’re able to shift our whole perspective, that we experience our entire world differently.

Your own experience will prove that happiness is connected to, if not a direct product of, behaviour governed by moral values. How committed are we, to creating this new and revitalised culture that we speak so boldly of? How can we embody our values and stand guided by them, as we express ourselves at work and play?

PASSION TO EXCEL

IT’S back! The highly successful Passion To Excel workshop by Tessie Lim returns in November. This year, participants will zoom

in on how to effectively “Influence, Persuade & Negotiate” and to do it elegantly. For details go to www.wpx.com.my

Son running out of control

Q. My teenage son is so rebellious. He refuses to listen or do as he’s told. It seems that all he wants to do is start a fight with me. He purposely does the opposite of what I tell him. If I say he has to come home by 11 o’clock if he wants to go to a party, he throws a tantrum. I’m worried about his behaviour but then there are worse things like drugs and gangs.

A. I feel your pain. I know what it’s like to have a strained relationship with children. I can’t say what’s the best thing to do. The most I can offer are these principles, based on what I know about human needs – the greatest of which is to feel understood, valued, and respected.

1. Make it known to your son that you’ll be available to him at given times. Being available means being prepared to listen, not prescribe, not correct, not judge. Perhaps there might even be no need for you to say anything at all.

2. Tell him he is a high priority for you. This means you place his well-being and your relationship with him above your beliefs about his performance at school and elsewhere. His safety and his happiness come before all.

3. Talk him through to a mutual agreement. This means negotiating so that 1+1 = more than 2. Or no deal. When 1+1 = less than 2, it means either or both of you have settled for less. Not good. The rule is that nobody may leave the discussion table until an agreement is reached. No tantrums. Or no deal. Play like adults.

What I’m saying is, do the counter-intuitive thing. One way to talk to someone who won’t communicate properly is to break the routine. You are the parent. I call it tough love, ruthless compassion. It’s for you not to give up because you know you love your son.

Not much of a family

Q. I’m losing my family. I make good money and we have a comfortable life but we’re so distant, we barely talk at all. I feel empty even though I have friends. My business is fine. Everyone is doing their own thing. My wife keeps to her routine. When I come home, the kids stay locked in their rooms. What have I done wrong? Shouldn’t the family be there for the father and respect the breadwinner?

A. Your family hasn’t occupied centrestage in your life for awhile, has it? I’m presuming your work has.

I’m guessing your family is simply responding to your handling of them and by how you describe yourself. You pretty much see everything from “work” spectacles. Chop chop... use of time and bottom line.

I’m pretty sure your wife and children don’t support the image you have of yourself. Successful businessman maybe, but against what criteria have you benchmarked yourself? Surely not against one where balance, happiness and harmony co-exist.

Your wife’s isolation belies a relationship that has lost its focus. Unless you’re prepared to look critically at your behaviour, you may not be able to save your marriage or be a suitable role model for your children.

How would you like your children to remember you? Would you like them to think of you as an absent father (think how this makes them feel) or as the best dad they ever knew?

If you choose the latter, what qualities would you need to develop and what character strengths must you have?

By your example, what values have you taught your children so far?