Me, Myself and I

OUT of the blue, someone I practically just met remarked: “You don’t know who you are.” Taken aback, instinctively I responded, “No, I don’t.”

I was speaking from the standpoint where as human beings we’re always in a state of formation, of being and becoming, of self-actualising.

Huh. Strange comment, I thought, and moved on.

But his words kept haunting my memory. If my admission were true, the person I think I am is actually only a memory I have of myself… unless I fix myself to time and space, which I cannot.

If I am the thinker of my thoughts, the perceiver of my emotions, the observer of my actions… that makes me more than my thoughts, actions, and emotions, doesn’t it? So the real me, is beyond my five senses? I think myself to be… someone who empowers others. I think myself to have… qualities that support my mission. Hmm… I appear to be a force greater than myself. That man was right. I don’t know who I am.

Park that. Suddenly, with this piercing awareness, life, like a mirror, through a sequence of events and relationships, seemed intent on reflecting back images of me, showing me glimpses of myself. The message is that I must be more patient and compassionate, more accepting and less questioning, more open and less suspecting.

Apparently I must be more alert and awake to the needs and values of others. I must free myself from expectation. I must allow innocence – experience new impulses without criticism or censorship. I must work on my freshness – that is, release old traumas and not let the past cast shadows over the future. And to protect my energy, I must replenish my capacity to renew and rejuvenate.

It’s not easy to take feedback, let me tell you. One’s first reaction is to deny and defend. But how would that serve me? I figure the better way is to accept and honour my duality – strengths coexisting with weaknesses, courage with fear and pride with guilt or shame.

More struggle, because ego demands public importance, exclusiveness, and separation. Its place is to fulfil our lower needs – to survive, be safe and to belong. When everything is about I, Me, Mine, how can we think of others? How to contribute? How to reach my highest and best?

To bolster courage and confidence and to free myself from insecurity and fear, I take the bull by the horns. Will my true identity suffer if I reveal this? Will my essence be diluted? Why do I hide my impulses? How would I be hurt if this is exposed? When I hear a voice judging me harshly, who from my past is actually speaking? Why do I choose to live with guilt instead of without it? Why not choose to be free?

Some people try to self-actualise through their lower needs. They believe they can find meaning, happiness, or significance through the things (or people) they own, the money they have. What do you think? I should think we’re in trouble the moment we start defining ourselves by what we have. I’ve called this psycho-shopping, psycho-eating and psycho-sexing. Weighs us down, doesn’t allow us to connect with our higher needs – unity, justice, order, contribution, beauty, significance, legacy etc.

Do these have meaning for you also? Once we serve our basic requirements for life and love, they subside. With a roof over our head, clothes on our back, and food in our tummy, the deeper reality can manifest – one that ego has little or no awareness of – the truth about life itself.

Einstein said no problem could be solved with the same level of awareness that caused it. So there must be a higher consciousness within me… the place where my creativity, insight and inspiration come from. Apart from ego, I am this higher consciousness. I am my personality (or character) my mind-body. All these components blend confusingly into each other. That’s why I don’t know, or forget, who I am!

So how is this related to reaching my potential? If my best life equals feeling safe and secure about myself, feeling lighter and less burdened about little things… if I want to feel peace, if I want to stop acting on my fear, doubt, and anger, then I want to be able to go to that place within me and know that I am connected to that force that is greater than myself.

Then I become wholly, completely and entirely all that I am. Then I am connected to All That Is.

Tessie Lim is the Founder of World Center of Personal Excellence, a company she set up for the purpose of enabling and driving dreams through facilitating and realising potential, defining purpose and meaning for an optimal life. She is a certified performance coach with an extensive background in behavioural psychology, marketing, business and education. You may write to her at tess@wpx.com.my

Letters will be edited for length and clarity.

DOCTOR WHO’S SO MISERABLE AT WORK

Q: To please my parents, I recently graduated from medical school. But I find ward work difficult and I’m so miserable.

A: Our emotions often indicate whether we’re in alignment with our true self. We get angry when we feel our rights are being violated or we get dispirited when we’re not passionate about work.

Then again, there are some things we do that we may not enjoy, like exercise. Sometimes we just need to get started to appreciate the benefits. The more we exercise, the more we reap the reward of health and fitness. In the end, what it boils down to is commitment and the question is, “how committed are you to being true to yourself? How committed are you to being happy?”

Ask “what are the qualities that make me feel really good about myself? What do people say I’m good at?”. You say you’re a doctor because of your parents. What would you rather be? Like most parents, yours obviously want your wellbeing – financial, physical, and emotional. Perhaps you show them you can have all these by doing something you choose for yourself?

NOT GIVING UP HER CHEATING HUSBAND

Q: When I found out that my husband had an affair, I was angry but I love him and want him back. I don’t want to throw away our years of happiness or deprive our children of a happy family.

A: You want your husband back the way he was? Well, that’s not possible. He’s been with other women and if his affair was with one woman, then he’s built emotionally-intimate ties outside. If you want him back, you’ll have to take him back as a different man. Can you do it?

It sounds harsh, I know. That it’ll be up to you to make things good again. Not impossible. Hillary Clinton did it. She saved her marriage and retained her self-respect. Sienna Miller didn’t with Jude Law though he desperately wanted her back. She chose to move on – to better men I hear.

I don’t mean to sound flip, but here’s the thing. A woman’s love and loyalty to our cheating partner can be seen as being a tad desperate. Why is it that betrayed parties are given the hardest time? Society lauds “fellas who are playas” while we scorn other women who “can’t even hold onto their husbands”.

My advice is to talk to your husband. Fight for what you want but decide together. For things to work, it’ll have to be what you both want.