Heed Your Personal Powers

“I’M upset you think so poorly of me,” the husband said. “You criticise me all the time.”

“I’m merely telling you how I feel when you demonstrate your lack of trust in me,” replied the wife.

“I love you.

I’m hoping we could talk this out, so that we can get to understand each other better.” Husband: I’m not talking to anyone who only wants to find fault with me. Do you feel threatened when someone disagrees with you? When another challenges your reality, do you give yourself time to understand the context within which the other person is speaking, or do you immediately and defensively launch into attack? How much do you value yourself — do you feel safe enough about who and what you are, to respect other people for their choice of thoughts and feelings, words and actions? If we develop potential by expanding our abilities, and if resilience and flexibility are measures of success, then our capacity to accept another person’s perspective, receive and respond to criticism, and handle provocation without personalising, is a sure sign of strength. As I strengthen my mastery around coaching-consulting, as I up-skill on my speaking-training, as I am consistent that my business must generate value and wealth and success for myself and for my clients, my relationships, and my community, it never ceases to amaze me how people have stepped up, blossomed in confidence, and outperformed beyond their wildest imagination. I wish I could take all the credit, but truly, it belongs to those who’ve embraced the learning, and especially to the developer of this miraculous human technology, Dr Michael Hall. Practising the simple skill of taking charge of our awareness is in itself, life-enhancing.

Yes, we can tell our brain what to do! Accessing and applying our personal power — to think, feel, speak, and act — also takes us forward and upward by leaps and bounds.

By realising we fully own these powers, we know we are fully responsible for our thoughts, feelings, words, and behaviour. And since we have control over these, why not be proactive about choosing the most empowering, most productive resources? Now that we know we can design our own destiny, it serves us to accept and appreciate this fundamental truth: That everyone is different, and that our understandings are as individual and as varied as our origins. By assuming less, we judge less.

Ourselves included.

So why not repress less and respect more? Wouldn’t this make us more authentic, validating and purposeful? Our purpose, after all, is happiness.

The faster we accept that we are responsible for our own happiness, the sooner we stop expecting and demanding this from others, and the more we get to relax into our experience of life. Funny how our reactions to others are expressions of the type of world we live in.

There are three main types of love: “Tit for Tat” love, “In Spite Of” love, and love’s highest form — reverence and worship. “Tit for Tat” love is conditional — we give as good as we get.

Here, we’re so busy keeping score, we often feel tired out! “In Spite Of” love is best illustrated by mother’s love.

Reverence is esteem we offer unquestioningly — usually in faith due to what we value highly. What type do you practise most? Brave are you who pursues self-awareness, for knowing yourself is a pre-requisite for change and transformation.

Quick check 1.

When around others, pay attention to what triggers strong emotions in you - could be words, gestures, tonality, etc.

Being aware will help you uncover the meanings hiding behind your thoughts and actions. 2.

Be curious about what you are feeling and in which part of your body you are experiencing it.

Accept whatever comes but refuse to label anything. 3.

Allow yourself to fully feel.

Why take yourself so seriously? It’s all just human stuff. 4.

Your feelings arise from your understanding.

Feelings are born of perception, not reality.

Therefore your feelings don’t always tell the truth.

Your perception, or meanings, when enhanced, will become building blocks for your self-development. 5.

Remembering your ultimate intention is happiness, and given that you have access to your four personal powers, what would you do next time you recognise these triggers? To me, happiness means being real and authentic so that I can make meaningful connections with people.

To what degree are you able to be real and actual in your life? To that degree, you are living your best life.

Power play kills empathy Q: I don’t want to improve my relationship with my husband.

This way, I get more out of him.

When he feels I’m upset (and to keep the peace at home), he is more likely to give into what I want and do as I say.

The other option is worse.

If I allow us to work at loving and understanding, there’s no way he would have the patience to put in the effort.

I feel sad for doing this.

A: Sounds like your plan is working.

You have power over your husband — only you’re hurting someone you are meant to care about. I’m thinking not only are you feeling sad, but the intimacy between you is suffering too. What do you want more — the rewards from your control, or a close partnership with your husband? You did say the latter is worse.

So what is causing the sadness? Sounds like you’ve decided for your husband about his level of patience and commitment to your marriage. You’ve made assumptions about his responses.

What if you allowed him a say in this? So far, it’s only been about what you can get from him.

Have you thought long-term? If you were in his shoes, how long would you be able to keep up with you dominating and him working to keep the peace? If I may offer a mind-read, I think you are working to make everything easier for everybody. But here’s the thing.

The only way healthy relationships grow is with empathy, unconditional respect and authenticity. These healing responses keep the love alive.

This means accepting and celebrating each other’s differences.

Are you up for it,or will you choose sadness? The past keeps creeping up Q: My husband had an affair and I forgave him.

Or I thought I did.

But I continue to punish him for it.

I’m frequently bad-tempered and I criticise him a lot.

He knows where I’m coming from so he takes it.

I wish I could be kinder but it hurts too much. A: Yes, being cheated on hurts.

You’ve suffered.

Suffered how exactly? Well, perhaps your pride dented, maybe your self-esteem eroded, or the image in your mind of “happy couple” got warped. I understand.

Now what? You can go on punishing your husband (and yourself).

Then what? How much more suffering do you want? I don’t mean to let men off easy, but you’ve got to understand men can be weak.

They can’t stand to be No.2 after the children.

They need to feel wanted and needed and looked up to all the time.

They get anxious when we start talking and wanting to share “feelings”. Plus I’m told men’s (brains) are special because it can separate love and love-making. So there’s a chance men don’t really mean harm, they’re just hungry for the “cookie”. For the sake of your own happiness, why not put the past behind you? Why not use that energy to build a new and different relationship with your man? Don’t be afraid to state your terms.

Make your rules. “Cookies only from my kitchen, or else!” Invest in your marriage ...and live to enjoy the proceeds.