Be, Then Have Your Dreams Come True

I WAS coaching a group of new recruits, working to help them settle into their new roles and realise their responsibilities. Wide-eyed and impressionable, they were young and eager, but without a career blueprint or a clear sense of their organisation’s values, mission or vision.

I was asked to conduct an orientation – to discover motivation, match values, set direction, and formulate methods to measure results. “How much understanding do you have about what you’ve been engaged to do?” I asked.

“Think what’s important about your job, for you and for your company. How will you know whether you’re doing well or not?” was my next question.

“How does your contribution take your company’s performance to a higher level? And if you wanted to stay productive, effective and efficient, what are some of the attitudes you might want to manage, the habits you would practice, to protect your personal performance excellence?

“Now think about the things you’re passionate about… what you’re interested in, all that you’re really good at. Where, in your workplace, do you see opportunity to use your skills, gifts and talents?

“How specifically could you apply your uniqueness to your work – to create a niche position for yourself, so that in the shortest time, you could be recognised for that specialty? If this were the quickest way to add value to your team and your organisation, how would you introduce yourself?”

When you talk with managers or front-liners, do you generally get the impression that they’re switched on? They may have been trained, but one sure sign that leads me to doubt their quality and commitment is their inability to stay open and listen.

I mean really listen, in a way that allows them to understand and learn something from the customer or pipe into the client’s experience. Often they’re either too casual, defensive or resist by disengaging. Some are totally in their own world.

In our economy where business is personal because we usually do business with those we trust, and with whom we’re prepared to invest time with, I believe it’s fundamental to know how people think, don’t you?

How can we apply ourselves when we fail to recognise what drives and motivates our customer? How can we respond when we don’t know what the other person’s beliefs, concerns or intentions really are?

When we don’t pay attention… to tonality and other non-verbals, if we rush people through their apprehensiveness, when we talk over others, how will we learn their feelings, their thoughts, their needs, their values?

Many people zip around, buffered by a false sense-of-self, assuming what they perceive is real, believing they can steamroller over others and get away with it. An easy way to recognise one of these is by how we feel when we’re with them.

A common problem businesses face with their senior management is that many don’t “wear” their titles well. When self-image, or identity around roles or responsibility isn’t well-formed, performance suffers. They might be Senior VP, COO, CFO, or whatever, but because they don’t see themselves as resourceful or “authorised,” they do poorly when representing themselves and their organisation.

Lack of confidence can be observed by nervous gesturing, an almost apologetic demeanour. The energy they exude unnerves everyone.

In the new global economy, management is no longer perceived in terms of maintaining the business machine, but is seen as the motivator and leader of men and women.

The new buzzword is “Education For Life” whereas the “Job For Life” adage is outdated and obsolete. Those who fail to adapt, renew, and stay relevant will fumble and fall behind. To stay on top, we need passion to excel. I constantly ask myself “what type of (leader, mother, lover) am I? What do I want to achieve?

What results and other indicators will show me that I am doing well in supporting, encouraging, and inspiring others to get what they want and have what they need? And when they have that, what else could they then get, that they don’t already have? Wouldn’t I then be making an amazing contribution! That would be a great way to add value to the world, wouldn’t it? How then, would I want to think, feel, speak and behave, that would enable me to “be” so I… so that we… can “have?”

Mum’s too tired to cope

Q: I’m always losing my cool when I talk to my kids. My five-year-old never stops asking “why” and my 14-year-old is grumpy and anti-social. I’m already tired after work and then when I come home, I have to deal with everyone else’s needs, including the husband’s. I just want the wheel to slow down so that I can breathe a little.

A: Inhale. Exhale. And again. That’s right. I’m a working mother.

I believe any mother can relate to what you’re saying. But God didn’t make us mothers without first giving us special powers.

In women, He bestowed the gift of grace, patience, softness, tolerance, love, sacrifice, resilience, and many other special capabilities a man couldn’t even begin to understand.

It’s only for us to remember we have these, and engage with our powerful states.

Realising that there’s a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave, what do you need to do to help them feel right?

Do you accept and respect your children’s feelings as true or do you generally work to redefine their reality?

This will confuse and enrage kids. This also teaches them to not recognise their feelings, and to not trust them.

This can become dangerous, as it trains our children to be other-referent, that is, to depend on others for their truth.

That you always lose your cool… what’s that about? It might be worth spending a moment to “wash away” and “step out of” your work-self and into your mummy costume five minutes after you get home.

This will leave you “clean” for parenting and also ready to play with daddy.

Binging on self-pity

Q: I’m 15kg overweight. I eat when I get restless or bored, or when I miss my boyfriend (he dumped me recently). When I eat I binge. I can’t control myself. I’m so lonely. I keep to myself because nobody likes a fat girl. I know this is self-pity, and then I eat because I’m worthless anyway.

A: Seems to me you’re trying to eat your feelings away.

Your coping mechanism for restlessness, boredom, loneliness is to binge. You cope by hurting your body. Does that work for you? You recognise self-pity and to that, you’ve added worthlessness. To what purpose?

Is the loss of that boyfriend so significant you’ve chosen to further damage your well-being, health and fitness? No man is worth that.

Close your eyes. Imagine that you’re filled with energy, vitality, good health and healing. Picture yourself happy, engaged in some activity, among people you like.

Say “I have only one body. I want to make my body last. I’ll do everything to protect my health and harmony. I say yes to health, yes to energy, yes to success”. So from now on, every time you think about, say or hear the word “yes” you will know that you’re going to be successful, worthwhile and well.

People First, Performance Now

THE lab reports were in. The prognosis was that Lily had cancer of the lungs, stomach and pancreas. In shock and utter disbelief, family and friends gathered at the hospital.

That night the mood was solemn, the air heavy. Tears were shed and prayers were said. Everyone exhausted and spent, the night soon passed.

Next morning, doctors sauntered into Lily’s room. They casually announced that their forecasts are wrong. They doubted that Lily had cancer after all.

Those lesions could be a variety of things, least of all, malignant. Emotions ran wild. Joy, elation, hope became anger, fury and rage. Imbeciles!

As the nurse administered the morphine I stood by helplessly. Although she’d braced herself, Lily doubled over in pain the moment the drug kicked in.

Then her body went limp, loose and relaxed. I exhaled in relief. I wondered if she truly believed she was cancer-free.

As I sat beside Lily, I lifted my eyes heavenward, grateful for my own health. The whole episode reinforced everything I already knew about perspective – how everything is understood, learned, and lived within beliefs and frames of reference, then confirmed by our senses.

Grumble the man who has no shoes, until he meets the man who has no feet.

My role as master frame-maker becomes clearer. To lead, I must work to raise your conscious awareness – enough for you to access fresh creativity and re-examine everything at a higher level.

I must facilitate your flexibility of choice so that you enjoy maximum options. Amidst chaos, I must still your mind to dissolve the chatter of your thoughts, allay your fears. This will simplify complexity and bring clarity. Transparency develops trust.

More trust = more participation. More ownership = more performance.

Irresponsible leaders often hypnotise us with their generalisations. Inaccurate, unaccountable, morally and ethically defunct, they think nothing of misleading or pre-judging. Some lie outrageously.

I wish people in powerful positions, like doctors, lawyers, market-movers and government officials would examine the impact of their words and actions.

I ask that they exercise compassion. It’s only when we walk in another’s shoes that we truly appreciate their challenges and motivations.

Compassion enables understanding, which leads to tolerance and inter-connectedness between people.

People First, Performance Now. To me, this is both a vision and a commitment. My understanding is, when we hold a vision we do so with steadfast purpose.

Unless we’re wishy-washy, we agree to cut away all distractions. To my mind, wise decisions serve the whole rather than the few. Such purpose requires great character. Like it or not, wherever we go, news of our character precedes us.

This much I’ll say about brand Malaysia.

Leadership demands personal excellence and self-mastery. A leader must empower others. Inspirational leaders command loyalty, as their qualities of clarity, integrity, and courage are attractive.

Are we there yet? We are the company we keep, so look around. Our external relationships reflect the one we’re having with ourselves. It’s that simple. It’s that obvious. With people, slow is fast because trust takes time.

Truth has a certain resonance. Unless people feel our authenticity, they’ll withhold. So performance depends on truth.

Do you realise that each one of us must participate if we are to actualise this vision? Whatever our position, we can profoundly influence others to perform better.

When we embody calmness, confidence, and certainty, when we accept and appreciate, instead of justify and defend, when we work decisively and with compassion, we can magnetise support from people around us.

People First. This means you and me before anything else. Are you aware that you and I together, are at the point of power where we can change our nation’s destiny? If we give our total attention to things, we can be deeply influential?

Performance Now. What do we care most deeply about? Do we have an agenda that serves others as well as ourselves?

Focus right, and we will enjoy more prosperity, vitality, happiness and well-being.

When we fully appreciate the value of what we do, we can make changes that truly fulfil us and empower others at the same time.

Wisdom is the quiet truth that stems from compassion, not the loud-mouthed arrogance that arises from knowledge. I doubt anyone has yet manipulated his way to heaven! So hold fast to your principles.

Don’t be easily swayed by the trivial and transient. Let’s stand together.

Stand up for what’s real and of lasting value – truth, equality, justice. Not for a select few, but for all.

Need for mum’s approval

Q: I’m 30, good job, good husband, good friends. But when I go home to mum, she picks on me, makes me feel like an underachiever. Since dad died, she’s worse. Why do I keep trying to gain mum’s approval?

A: So you feel you need your mother’s approval to feel okay about yourself? How has this held you back? How has this influenced who you’ve become? What did your mum and dad impress upon you in the early years?

Why not just skim past this and move on? You’re an adult now, and you know what you’re capable of. With healthy self-esteem, you know you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I’m betting you’re centred enough to look past your mum’s gripes and see the positives.

If you can’t, it’s best you find answers to the questions. You might have a talk with your mum to tell her how her put downs affect you. She may not actually be aware about this. She may have issues of her own she needs to open up to you about. I think whatever comes is good, as long as you go into that conversation with a lot of understanding and acceptance. You may not get contriteness or an apology, but how can openness hurt?

Reading body language

Q: At a meeting, I was distracted by someone who was constantly rubbing the back of his neck. What does this mean? Is body language something we should learn to read people and master certain situations?

A: Maybe he had an itch. Or he was uncomfortable with what was being said. Or perhaps he wanted the attention of that cute secretary by the window.

The thing about body language — you know, when a girl dangles her slip-on shoes in front of a man, and gives him that “come hither” look, when a man breathes in and tucks in his stomach so his chest appears bigger than the average Joe’s — it all depends on what those actions mean to those people, doesn’t it?

In the girl’s case – her feet could’ve really been hurting because those sandals were too tight and all He-Man may’ve wanted to do was to ease his heartburn.

I don’t really think generalising about how people display their body parts is going to get you very far. This information is person and context-specific. So pay attention. Fresh eyes every time.

To Be, Or Not To Be?

WHAT if I could change the way people think? What if I could enable the mindset for performance, productivity, creativity, innovation, and excellence?

I’d do this by connecting people to their natural needs, drives and motivations. I would wake them up to their gifts and talents and reconnect them to their essential nature. I’d work on their identity, enhance their self-concept. I’d constantly ensure that they readjust their self-esteem to 100 per cent. I’d remind them of their immense worth and value as human beings, as master creators of the universe.

If I did this, and you all worked with me, what then could this country achieve as an economy, and as a nation? I haven’t even begun talking about the deeper benefits from this — hopefulness, happiness, harmony, purpose and passion.

Monumental task? Completely doable! Human beings are born creative. As we go, we learn how to be who we are. We keep expanding our potential. We keep reinventing ourselves to become the best version of ourselves – according to our perception and our model of good.

Once shown the way, we could take the science of this process down to an art. What could block my vision? Misunderstanding excellence with perfectionism could. Lack of acceptance drives perfectionism. Apply this absoluteness to diversity and we can see how this can hurt growth and development. Acceptance conquers perfectionism and other forms of mental and emotional intolerance.

Another thing standing in the way is the dilemma of leadership vs control. Just like how openness and transparency invites creativity, the need for absolute power – over would obliterate the space we need… to think, to choose, and to respond in order for creativity, productivity, and excellence to arise. Fear of making mistakes, of challenging what is, will certainly kill our spirit. I wonder if it’s true, that our education system stifles us? The urban myth is we have no room to express. The system keeps us at the lowest levels of tolerance – we’re rewarded when we keep our heads down, when we operate “inside the box.”

If creativity is a matter of selection, if it’s about our freedom to choose, to design our lives, and how we want to label things, if everything is decided for us, if our importance and significance is pre-determined, then why bother to unleash potential? Education drives national progress. Think about that. They say a life without hope is worse than death.

Are life, joy and paradise really in our hands? Not in our hands but actually in our mind. Creativity, productivity, excellence happens when we nourish our aspirations, when we encourage and validate people for who they are before what they know or can do. When we plant the fire for learning, the lust for discovering and the habit of questioning, we’re on our way to optimal life, peak performance, personal excellence, self-actualisation, best practices in companies, thriving communities. It happens through self-awareness, self-respect, self-confidence, self-discipline and self-mastery.

“To be or not to be, that is the question” from Shakespeare’s Hamlet. I wonder if life might be a campus instead of the Bard’s proverbial expression of a stage? My experience is Malaysians don’t care to learn. Somehow we’re always spouting some kind of excuse. “No money. No time. No use.”

Think of how what you actually lose when you pass up the chance to improve yourself and speak from a platform of certainty rather than guesswork. Truth is only when we respect knowledge can we come to respect ourselves.

The hardest part about learning is that it takes humility to operate from the “know nothing” state. In actualising our potentials we need to melt down our faulty thinking patterns, to release ineffective ways of behaving and mould the mush into new forms. The most awesome change happens when the best resources blend together, when the fires swirl without consuming our zest for life. The most meaningful transformation occurs the moment we’re prepared to recognise the truth of where we’ve been and embrace the courage to take all that and become all we can become.

Age doesn’t bring wisdom. Experience doesn’t guarantee transformation. Unless there’s a change in attitude, unless we’re prepared to take responsibility, unless we accept what we are and take all that to the next level, chances are our out-of-controlness may bring bitterness, not betterment.

People first, performance now, competitive advantage, did we say? Lest it become mockery, best we learn from history, so we will not be doomed to repeat its mistakes.

Boss who’s just too busy to help

Q: I’m a manager who’s been delegated work but when I make appointments to see my boss for approvals, direction and support, he’s always too busy. Meantime I’m wondering what to tell my team. Work stops because I have no authorisation to move at all.

A: Send your boss to me for some self-actualisation coaching! Then he’d know that leadership is not about hoarding power but to use it to enable others at the touch-points of business to make decisions and to take the business forward at a rate and speed no one can ever do on his own.

That said, how well do you know your boss? Use your energy to compose conversations where you both can set up an understanding of how work can proceed when he cannot provide hands-on direction. Propose options, scenarios or solutions wherein your response would be like such and such. So in situations where you need to act, you’d already have pre-approval.

Quit whining. Act on whatever is in your circle of influence. Do what you can with what you have. Take responsibility. Think. If your boss is so tight-fisted with you, could it be something you’re doing/not doing? What can you do differently to inspire a different response?

Fair play for women?

Q: Lower pay for females. Sexual harassment. Emotional blackmail. Incest. Rape. What is the world coming to? When will women be treated fairly? Doesn’t it just boil down to basic human rights?

A: I believe the most certain way to predict the future is to create it for yourself. I believe if you’re looking for a helping hand, the closest ones are found at the end of your own arms. I know this: No one owes me a living. I know if it is to be, it’s up to me.

You want more money? Work for it. Demonstrate how your contribution adds value to your company.

As for male brutality, let’s start by checking ourselves. What’s the level of our self-esteem? If it’s intact, you’ll have had your boundaries in place.

Human rights. How well do you know the law that surrounds what you do at home, at work, in your community? If you operate from the flimsy platform of not knowing, then you’re fair game to anyone who wants to try his luck. I abhor men who disrespect women. I think the punishment for sickness like paedophilia, incest, and rape should be increased.

But women must take responsibility too. First, we must learn to speak up.

We must stop looking away when we see our sisters suffer. What do we often do? We condemn our own gender instead. How sad is that? If you’re complaining, my question to you is, so what are you doing — yes, YOU! — in your little neck of the woods?

Me, Myself and I

OUT of the blue, someone I practically just met remarked: “You don’t know who you are.” Taken aback, instinctively I responded, “No, I don’t.”

I was speaking from the standpoint where as human beings we’re always in a state of formation, of being and becoming, of self-actualising.

Huh. Strange comment, I thought, and moved on.

But his words kept haunting my memory. If my admission were true, the person I think I am is actually only a memory I have of myself… unless I fix myself to time and space, which I cannot.

If I am the thinker of my thoughts, the perceiver of my emotions, the observer of my actions… that makes me more than my thoughts, actions, and emotions, doesn’t it? So the real me, is beyond my five senses? I think myself to be… someone who empowers others. I think myself to have… qualities that support my mission. Hmm… I appear to be a force greater than myself. That man was right. I don’t know who I am.

Park that. Suddenly, with this piercing awareness, life, like a mirror, through a sequence of events and relationships, seemed intent on reflecting back images of me, showing me glimpses of myself. The message is that I must be more patient and compassionate, more accepting and less questioning, more open and less suspecting.

Apparently I must be more alert and awake to the needs and values of others. I must free myself from expectation. I must allow innocence – experience new impulses without criticism or censorship. I must work on my freshness – that is, release old traumas and not let the past cast shadows over the future. And to protect my energy, I must replenish my capacity to renew and rejuvenate.

It’s not easy to take feedback, let me tell you. One’s first reaction is to deny and defend. But how would that serve me? I figure the better way is to accept and honour my duality – strengths coexisting with weaknesses, courage with fear and pride with guilt or shame.

More struggle, because ego demands public importance, exclusiveness, and separation. Its place is to fulfil our lower needs – to survive, be safe and to belong. When everything is about I, Me, Mine, how can we think of others? How to contribute? How to reach my highest and best?

To bolster courage and confidence and to free myself from insecurity and fear, I take the bull by the horns. Will my true identity suffer if I reveal this? Will my essence be diluted? Why do I hide my impulses? How would I be hurt if this is exposed? When I hear a voice judging me harshly, who from my past is actually speaking? Why do I choose to live with guilt instead of without it? Why not choose to be free?

Some people try to self-actualise through their lower needs. They believe they can find meaning, happiness, or significance through the things (or people) they own, the money they have. What do you think? I should think we’re in trouble the moment we start defining ourselves by what we have. I’ve called this psycho-shopping, psycho-eating and psycho-sexing. Weighs us down, doesn’t allow us to connect with our higher needs – unity, justice, order, contribution, beauty, significance, legacy etc.

Do these have meaning for you also? Once we serve our basic requirements for life and love, they subside. With a roof over our head, clothes on our back, and food in our tummy, the deeper reality can manifest – one that ego has little or no awareness of – the truth about life itself.

Einstein said no problem could be solved with the same level of awareness that caused it. So there must be a higher consciousness within me… the place where my creativity, insight and inspiration come from. Apart from ego, I am this higher consciousness. I am my personality (or character) my mind-body. All these components blend confusingly into each other. That’s why I don’t know, or forget, who I am!

So how is this related to reaching my potential? If my best life equals feeling safe and secure about myself, feeling lighter and less burdened about little things… if I want to feel peace, if I want to stop acting on my fear, doubt, and anger, then I want to be able to go to that place within me and know that I am connected to that force that is greater than myself.

Then I become wholly, completely and entirely all that I am. Then I am connected to All That Is.

Tessie Lim is the Founder of World Center of Personal Excellence, a company she set up for the purpose of enabling and driving dreams through facilitating and realising potential, defining purpose and meaning for an optimal life. She is a certified performance coach with an extensive background in behavioural psychology, marketing, business and education. You may write to her at tess@wpx.com.my

Letters will be edited for length and clarity.

DOCTOR WHO’S SO MISERABLE AT WORK

Q: To please my parents, I recently graduated from medical school. But I find ward work difficult and I’m so miserable.

A: Our emotions often indicate whether we’re in alignment with our true self. We get angry when we feel our rights are being violated or we get dispirited when we’re not passionate about work.

Then again, there are some things we do that we may not enjoy, like exercise. Sometimes we just need to get started to appreciate the benefits. The more we exercise, the more we reap the reward of health and fitness. In the end, what it boils down to is commitment and the question is, “how committed are you to being true to yourself? How committed are you to being happy?”

Ask “what are the qualities that make me feel really good about myself? What do people say I’m good at?”. You say you’re a doctor because of your parents. What would you rather be? Like most parents, yours obviously want your wellbeing – financial, physical, and emotional. Perhaps you show them you can have all these by doing something you choose for yourself?

NOT GIVING UP HER CHEATING HUSBAND

Q: When I found out that my husband had an affair, I was angry but I love him and want him back. I don’t want to throw away our years of happiness or deprive our children of a happy family.

A: You want your husband back the way he was? Well, that’s not possible. He’s been with other women and if his affair was with one woman, then he’s built emotionally-intimate ties outside. If you want him back, you’ll have to take him back as a different man. Can you do it?

It sounds harsh, I know. That it’ll be up to you to make things good again. Not impossible. Hillary Clinton did it. She saved her marriage and retained her self-respect. Sienna Miller didn’t with Jude Law though he desperately wanted her back. She chose to move on – to better men I hear.

I don’t mean to sound flip, but here’s the thing. A woman’s love and loyalty to our cheating partner can be seen as being a tad desperate. Why is it that betrayed parties are given the hardest time? Society lauds “fellas who are playas” while we scorn other women who “can’t even hold onto their husbands”.

My advice is to talk to your husband. Fight for what you want but decide together. For things to work, it’ll have to be what you both want.

Increase Your Worth

DOES managing your finances seem extra-stressful these days? Apart from having to earn money and run a business, it seems whatever I have needs protecting – against depreciation, inflation, interest rates and exchange rates fluctuations.

My money also needs guarding against myself – my careless spending on things I don’t need and my misplaced beliefs about value that doesn’t serve me.

At a time like this, it might be worth creating a values matrix. This would be a strategy on generating income. We’d use it to govern our beliefs about how much our products and services are worth. We’d use it as a plan for managing our money and as a guideline for protecting our price.

Let me share with you some of my methods... ways I increase business:

1. Get more clients. 2. Have each client spend more. 3. Have them work with me again and again.

Sales talk. I can sense many of you grimace. You might say, “I don’t do sales. I’m in HR,” or accounting, production, quality control, or whatever.

Well, think again. All of us are “in sales.” By how we live, and how we communicate, we sell our ideas, our perspectives, our values. My take on sales is practical. With all the lying and cheating going on, people we care about deserve the best-informed, best-reasoned, most objective and knowledgeable advice we can give. Understand that we need to sell to gain more respect, increase our influence, advance our career, up our income, and promote our success. How good a salesperson are you?

First point: I avoid troublesome, unpleasant clients and those with suspicious motives. I’m prepared to walk away from business that clashes with my principles. You might think, “Yeah, sure. She can afford this privilege.”

Many approach me as if I have no need for money. They expect my services for huge discounts or in exchange for a meal. My tip to you is, establish value collaboratively with the client before you accept work. Base your fee on value, not task or time. I add a premium for when I personally “do it all.”

I’m trained to listen for what the client needs. Their talking about what they want, usually doesn’t solve the problem. I work so I’m able to provide the most powerful advantage, so it would seem totally irrational for them to do business with anyone else. Often this means putting the client’s interests ahead of my own.

I find the more value I offer, the more value I generate. The more I contribute, the more indispensable I become. Temper behaviour with sincerity, enthusiasm and consideration when working with clients. This will manifest in our respect for their time, their comfort and their well-being. After all, their success is directly tied to our own.

Train clients to describe exactly how you’ve helped. Mine often tell others how many months’ worth of anxiety I’ve taken out of their lives. They say that with the clarity they’ve gained from working with me, they’ve saved thousands of Ringgit, gotten the job they really wanted, or improved the quality of their relationships.

Many of us discount our efforts. Often, we do so much more than we ever give ourselves credit for. No wonder we feel deflated, distraught, defeated, and demoralised. We feel as if whatever we’ve done didn’t make any difference. To check, I ask, “didn’t I get involved in (the client’s) hopes and dreams? Didn’t I sort out all those complexities? Wasn’t I present, accessible, and available? Turns out, clients always say what I rendered, and especially how I rendered it, changed and enriched their lives.

I find Asians have a tendency to bend backwards to please and over-provide. Our business environment is one where rebates, discounts, and kickbacks are rife. Not the best conditions to protect value or show respect for competence, is it?

It’s silly, because sometimes we give contracts to foreigners who aren’t half as good, simply because they know how to create the perception of quality. Psychologically, higher fees = higher value. Does “white” still brand superior?

In conclusion, let me say that our income-earning capacity does not lend itself to our success, our progress or our self-worth. Realise it only has to do with the growth of our outer-life experiences. When we come to the fulfillment of our potential… at that point, our ability becomes complete, real and actual.

Name-calling in school

Q. Bullies in my school say nasty things to attack others, like calling me “fat”. I was so upset I lost 9kg in a month. Instead of worrying, my parents got angry. Neither they nor my teachers understand how I feel.

A. When my daughter was nine, she suffered name-calling at school and there was little that teachers could do to help. These problems of “identity” usually stem from young people wanting to fit in, wanting to be accepted by those they admire or those they consider role models.

Between seven and 15 years, our self-image is very much formed by the collective opinion of others. Unless children are taught to be confident about themselves, unless parents explain that being different is grand, unless seniors prepare us for the childish taunts of other kids, teens tend to assess their worth by what other people think.

The best defence against bullying is self-esteem. In the first place, bullying is an issue around confidence. Those who lack self-esteem and self-confidence (even adults) suffer issues about who they are (self-image) and what they can do (self-efficacy). It’s imperative that parents are alert to their children’s needs at this time and reinforce love, acceptance, trust and confidence so that children feel supported and understood during these challenging, formative years.

Conflict, not harmony

Q. I want to believe in someone and something that won’t eventually let me down. So far they all have. I’ve been reading holy books. The more I read, the more similarity I find. Where is the harmony they speak of when conflict is what the world knows?

A. What is your definition of right and wrong? How does one recognise harmony? Depends where one is looking and against what criteria.

Whoa… complex issues indeed. I tend to take a much more simplistic view of life. Chew on bite-sized nuggets, if you know what I mean.

Our thoughts, feelings, speech and behaviour are within our control. We are so powerful. Isn’t this amazing? But, as Spiderman said, with great power comes great responsibility.

We are responsible for our own experiences and happiness. No one can live our life for us. Many may “show us the way” but we choose our path.

But notice, in the absence of freedom, when there is no choice. See what happens when man isolates, when he imposes guilt (on the pretext of defining a social conscience?)

Belief of wrongdoing automatically enslaves man. To my mind it’s the concept of sin that forces man’s dependence on a “something” for our deliverance into well-being.

I’ll Have Some of That!

I KNOW if I can influence, I can drive transformation. What is communication for, if not to exchange intelligence, persuade and negotiate?

No point talking if it doesn’t make us wiser or get us closer to what we want, right? We might as well conserve energy for something more useful.

Man: I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth.

Tess: Would you please stay there?

Man: You make me want to give myself to you.

Tess: I don’t accept cheap gifts.

Some guys persuade (coerce) using money, strength or authority. To get their way, they force, withhold, distort, and ignore. Always manipulative and often covert, they mean, “Do as I say, or else.”

Pay attention next time your man says, “Honey, you look great.” Mr Suave could be propositioning you, depending on what’s been happening at home! I’d tend to think he broke something.

People who can influence are special. We have the power to create enterprise – the infrastructure to generate income, results, solutions. Without master communicators, there’d be no innovation, no business development, no effective sales and marketing. Industry would virtually run aground.

Some people do it all wrong. They’re verbose and disconnected from their audience, making them irrelevant. We avoid a salesman for this reason.

It’s often our lack of ego-strength, our inability to decide for ourselves, our disease to please, that’s the problem. We scorn the salesman to escape our responsibility around making our own choices. Today, because the customer is educated, exposed and discerning, a good salesperson is defined as someone who helps prospects make good decisions.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could facilitate our clients to remember how good we are, if we could keep a powerfully positive image and message about us, and our product at the forefront of our clients’ mind all the time?

Wouldn’t it be great if our clients defended us and our services instead of questioning and doubting us when talking with others? How about virtually guaranteeing positive word of mouth marketing?

Here’s the thing. The truth isn’t the truth until people believe you, and they can’t believe you if they don’t know what you are saying, and they can’t know what you are saying if they don’t listen to you, and they won’t listen to you if you’re not interesting, and you won’t be interesting until you say things imaginatively and originally. Obviously very few people know how, or there wouldn’t be so many struggling experts and talents.

Luckily, now we have processes that enable us to strengthen our hand at having what we want, when we want.

Tip: When we know how to create images in our customer’s mind, when we help our clients create new pictures of what the future will look like using our products and services and if we get our prospects to imagine the experiences we want them to have with us, their acceptance of us, our products and services will increase.

In an increasingly convoluted market, being able to stand out is imperative. So many people I’ve coached face this same challenge... how to engage people, how to get management “buy in” and how to overcome that crucial step of converting prospects into clients.

Luckily, the solution is simple to learn. The most important lesson is: Learn to listen, know what to listen for – how to connect your product or service with your client’s beliefs and values – how to frame, reframe and future frame.

Imagine if you could communicate the value of your product or service everywhere, to everyone. Wow, wouldn’t that make you powerful!

Tip: What 10 things can you do in your business or profession where, if people didn’t take advantage of your product or service, unfavourable consequences would occur? Point out at least two possible futures for each one. Then ask your prospect to perform the specific behaviour you want.

Do you know much of our decision-making is subconscious? It’s often our conditioning, our habits or our past experiences that drive our choices. We seldom make decisions based on current fact. We decide emotionally and then use our intellect to rationalise our behaviour.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic to be able to influence so well that other people wouldn’t even think we were selling? I’ll have more information on how to do this in the coming weeks, so watch this space!

Needs and meanings

Q: According to you, “women keep shopping, men go bed hopping” because our lower needs drive us. Does that mean we should expect this behaviour and cope with it? That means all marriages are doomed. Are wives to expect infidelity? As a woman I refuse to be portrayed as an out-of-control shopaholic. How do we rise above to meet our higher needs then?

A: Someone certainly has been paying attention! Good for you. You asked the question “does that mean…?” So yes, we rise above through meaning. What does your marriage mean to you? What does marriage mean to the average man? Does it mean “ball and chain?” Does it mean life partner? Define that. Does it mean “exclusive life partner?”

We can’t be driven by our feelings, or we’d be all over the place. Why, I must feel at least 20 different emotions a day. And the mystery is that none of them define me.

So we must be driven by our intentions… what we want, what we want out of our life, what we want out of our day. Someone said most of us have the means, but lack meaning – therefore the endless shopping, the mindless sex, the useless gossiping and the needless eating. None of these enriches us. It only serves to lessen us as human beings.

We are driven by our needs and motivated by our meanings. When our meanings are rich enough, we can transcend most any circumstance. And when our meanings collide with our passion, talent and skill, magic and miracles happen for us.

Here we have our maximum performance, our optimal competence, our personal excellence. Mastery… genius happens in this space. Here, we’re so “high” we lose sense of time and space. Here, people say “I’m the zone, man. I’m in the zone.”

Living our fullest potential

Q: What’s the difference between empowerment and motivation? In my company, HR brings in motivational speakers to talk about increasing productivity and improving attitudes and such. Yours is personal excellence – something new? People talk about empowerment. What about dis-empowerment. What could dis-empower us, if we don’t pay attention?

A: To motivate is to give reason, to motive – to induce, incite, impel – others to take action.

Motivate: Something we do to people. It suggests an external force is in control.

Inspiration: To breathe into, to infuse – with encouragement, passion – to animate and stimulate with an idea or vision.

Empower: To enable, allow, authorise – so the person is fully commissioned to act on his or her own.

We are dis-empowered when we lose our ability to act to our best advantage or when we lose our resourcefulness e.g. when we jump to conclusions... when we think black or white when there are a million options in the grey area... when we blame others. This only shows we lack responsibility. When we “try” or think “should”, “must,” and “have to,” we give up our power to decide. We’re at our best if we “will” and we “want to.”

Questions For My Self

TO what extent do you feel in charge of yourself… your thoughts, feelings, speech, fitness, finances, lifestyle, happiness and even your future? How often can you actually get yourself to do the things you know you should do, and want to do, in order to succeed? How much more powerful would you feel, and how much more productive would you be, if you could always access self control, and always engage your “best self,” in order to live your best life?

What stops you from moving in top gear on the super-highway of life, with a sense of vitality and passion? Are you fully extending the use of your capabilities? Do you have limiting beliefs that when released, will free you to realise your dreams? Suppose you wake up tomorrow and all your life’s obstacles have shrunk, what would change about you? What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? Have you planned the steps and stages on your journey to success?

Take a moment to step back from yourself. What do you appreciate about yourself? I wonder what else you could appreciate about yourself… that would bring you a greater sense of value and fulfilment. As you observe yourself moving through life, what beliefs and attitudes would you need to beef up your courage and confidence? As you witness your life unfolding, ask yourself what enables you to live your best life.

If you develop skills to improve your life in exactly the way you want, how would your life change? What one skill, if you developed that, would just transform your entire situation? If you were stubborn about change, what would happen? When you consider the possible outcomes, how do you feel?

What story have you lived so far? If you watch your story unfold as if it was a movie; if you wanted to evaluate its meaning, its usefulness and value, how would you rate it? How much of your story did you personally create? How would you have preferred to live? Now I want you to imagine yourself living your preferred story. Imagine moving out into tomorrow… living “your dream self.” It’s the story of your best life! You are living your dream! See how outstanding you are. You’re amazing. You’re absolutely fantastic!

What commitments must you make to achieve this? What decisions? What specific behaviors are associated with your goals? Which role models inspire you? When you look in the mirror, do you see the image of a powerful, courageous and successful person? What would you need to believe about yourself so that the idea of your best life becomes solid, real, and compelling?

From now on I want you to manifest courage, confidence and freedom in your everyday life. In whatever way courage, confidence and freedom allows you to live your best life, demonstrate it. Stand upright, plant your feet firmly on the ground and breathe evenly. Modulate the tone of your voice, pay attention to the quality of the sound and the strength of your words so that what you say is effective to what you want, and pleasing to your ears. Look at the persons with whom you are speaking.

Show that you fully own your powers to think, to feel, to speak and to behave. If you wish to retain these powers fully and completely, you know that from now on you will surrender these very carefully, and only on certain occasions. You know that when others seduce you into feeling bad, you can refuse! From now onwards I want you to assume the identity of your best self. In whatever shape or form that takes, be the person you’ve always wanted to be. If at first this seems out of character, act “as if.” Mind and body are part of the same system. Soon it will become second nature to be your best self.

Constantly and consistently equip yourself with the matching temperament, attitudes, understandings, and characteristics that fit with being your best self. Beginning now, onto tomorrow, into next week, and in the months to come, operate your everyday life from a platform of strength. Just by being focused on this, you will become powerful. The benefits of success will automatically follow.

Imagine being the person you’ve always admired. Being your best self will transform how you think, how you feel, and how you relate to others. Choosing to live intentionally will transform the quality of your life. Imagine how happy and fulfilled you’d become! Don’t you want that for yourself and for your loved ones? From this day forward, wouldn’t you like this to become your way of being in the world?

A FOUNDATION FOR DAUGHTER

Q: I’M a single mum. I appreciate your thoughts as they support me and help me face my daily challenges. My daughter, like yours, has also had to live through my divorce and my struggle with starting a new career, a new life. What would I need to say to her—she’s 15—that would really form the foundation for her to do well in life? What can I do, that would set her up for a life of success?

A: If you look around, you will notice that there are many successful people who aren’t particularly good looking, charming, well-educated or talented. When you research their biographies, you will find that they have one thing in common. They became rich and successful by wanting to become rich and successful. From the beginning, they knew what they wanted, and then doggedly, they went after it.

It’s difficult to score when we can’t see the goalpost. Our vision of who we want to be is our greatest asset. The more clearly we can envision our dream, the more surely we believe we can have what we want, the more associated we are with this image, the more detail we can give this picture, the more real our movie is to us – the easier it will be for us to realise our dream.

The most empowering gift we can give our children, or anyone… is to help them discover themselves. When parenting, sometimes we use “ruthless compassion” or “tough love” to support our babies as they discover their gifts and talents, as they refine their skills and competencies. When we facilitate their access to all the resources available to them, internal or external, when we stand beside them and cheer them on instead of nag and put them down, we strengthen their self-esteem and self-confidence. Equipped with a sense of personal excellence, anyone can handle whatever it takes to get from good… to great.

A FORMULA FOR ALL

Q: I WORK in communications. Your last two articles piqued my interest because in marketing, advertising and PR, we tend to want to be clever in whatever we say. I suppose because we are paid to show we are creative! It’s easy to forget the customer because we want to look good… ego as you say. What is the formula for keeping everyone happy – the client, boss, customer and me, of course?

A: What are you responsible for, your success or other people’s happiness? When are you successful, under what circumstances? Would you put your cleverness above effective communication? What… or whose ego drives you?

How good are your listening skills? What is your client’s objective? What do your bosses want? What product or service value would most serve the customer? Realising that what people actually want, maybe quite different from their brief, how would you find out their real motivation? Have you considered the politics behind the situation? Do you know when it’s wrong to be right and when it’s right to be wrong?

Feel The Magic Happening

THERE’S magic in the air! Can you feel it? It’s like pure oxygen. Breathe it, believe it! Wake up… to the possibility, let’s make it a reality… of living a life driven by principles and values. Last week, as if by magic…

“Family is the most important thing in our lives. It’s the basis for all that is going to happen,” says Datuk Dr Tap Salleh, president of the Integrity Institute of Malaysia.

Datuk Deva Mohd Ridzam, a former diplomat, talks about Asean values: Democracy and mutual trust within the Zone of Peace, Freedom and Neutrality. He says that talking in abstract concepts will not help, not now, as we face global food, financial and energy crises. He proposes setting up terms of reference, monitoring benchmarks, compliance and funding mechanisms to actualise socio-economic progress.

“A lack of morality will leave the nation floundering,” says Raja Dr Nazrin Shah, the Raja Muda of Perak who called for an index to measure human capital development, one that includes success in forging and nurturing good values in society.

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi promises equal share of quality opportunities to all races. Valiant. Brave. Monumental. Fairness can be a controversial, even volatile subject. With people from many cultures and backgrounds living together and sharing resources, it’s not uncommon to have groups feel that they’re being discriminated against. The principle “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is founded on the value of fairness.

When was the last time you applied “fairness” with conscious thought? I mean in the context of teaching fairness by example. We may have good reason to compromise our standards, but unless we explain our reasons, people may perceive situations as unfair. Many leaders fail to broaden our understanding of fairness.

“Our government, our legislators, and our neighbours are honest. Our word is our bond.” Is there just cause to doubt the truth of the above statement? Society has traditionally counted on public figures – our politicians, business mavens, athletes and celebrities to be our role models. Since the behaviour of some of these reveal a lack of integrity, where might we find new role models?

Honesty is the basis of trust. Trust is the basis of relationships. Do you know someone who has a good relationship that lacks trust? Honesty is a developing concept for children below the age of seven but I believe many adults also struggle with it. The fact is, people need to experience honesty in order to learn how to live it. We practice honesty when we speak truthfully. We have integrity when we’re honest with ourselves, holding true to our own code of values – ethical and moral.

Today, so much of life has to do with getting. We want more, more, more! Values, in contrast, have to do with being, sharing, and giving. For example, we practice tolerance when we maintain a fair and objective attitude toward others, especially those who differ from us in opinion, practice, belief or custom. Tolerance allows us to accept, appreciate, and even to celebrate our differences.

Fear is often the reason for our reaction. Take envy. Does it come from fear of not being good enough, or having enough? Is envy generated by fear of loss?

Courage is strength to not follow the crowd, to say no and mean it. Courage is being true to our convictions, our values, even when inconvenient.

Ours has become a violent society. Today we fear for our children when they walk out of home and even when they’re in school. Children are unable to build strategies for being courageous on their own. As adults, are we equipped to help them?

Determination and commitment protect friendships. They allow us to accept and honour despite difficulties, disagreements and disillusionment. Determination and commitment make it possible for us to realise our goals. We have become a “quick fix” society. If a toy breaks, we throw it away. If the job gets difficult, we quit. When our wife “doesn’t understand us,” we get a mistress. Determination and commitment keeps us focused. When we’re guided by conscience, we’re less likely to cheat when the opportunity presents itself.

The fastest way to actualise transformation is to change the way we see ourselves. We can make small changes here and there by adjusting our attitudes and behaviour. It’s when we’re able to shift our whole perspective, that we experience our entire world differently.

Your own experience will prove that happiness is connected to, if not a direct product of, behaviour governed by moral values. How committed are we, to creating this new and revitalised culture that we speak so boldly of? How can we embody our values and stand guided by them, as we express ourselves at work and play?

PASSION TO EXCEL

IT’S back! The highly successful Passion To Excel workshop by Tessie Lim returns in November. This year, participants will zoom

in on how to effectively “Influence, Persuade & Negotiate” and to do it elegantly. For details go to www.wpx.com.my

Son running out of control

Q. My teenage son is so rebellious. He refuses to listen or do as he’s told. It seems that all he wants to do is start a fight with me. He purposely does the opposite of what I tell him. If I say he has to come home by 11 o’clock if he wants to go to a party, he throws a tantrum. I’m worried about his behaviour but then there are worse things like drugs and gangs.

A. I feel your pain. I know what it’s like to have a strained relationship with children. I can’t say what’s the best thing to do. The most I can offer are these principles, based on what I know about human needs – the greatest of which is to feel understood, valued, and respected.

1. Make it known to your son that you’ll be available to him at given times. Being available means being prepared to listen, not prescribe, not correct, not judge. Perhaps there might even be no need for you to say anything at all.

2. Tell him he is a high priority for you. This means you place his well-being and your relationship with him above your beliefs about his performance at school and elsewhere. His safety and his happiness come before all.

3. Talk him through to a mutual agreement. This means negotiating so that 1+1 = more than 2. Or no deal. When 1+1 = less than 2, it means either or both of you have settled for less. Not good. The rule is that nobody may leave the discussion table until an agreement is reached. No tantrums. Or no deal. Play like adults.

What I’m saying is, do the counter-intuitive thing. One way to talk to someone who won’t communicate properly is to break the routine. You are the parent. I call it tough love, ruthless compassion. It’s for you not to give up because you know you love your son.

Not much of a family

Q. I’m losing my family. I make good money and we have a comfortable life but we’re so distant, we barely talk at all. I feel empty even though I have friends. My business is fine. Everyone is doing their own thing. My wife keeps to her routine. When I come home, the kids stay locked in their rooms. What have I done wrong? Shouldn’t the family be there for the father and respect the breadwinner?

A. Your family hasn’t occupied centrestage in your life for awhile, has it? I’m presuming your work has.

I’m guessing your family is simply responding to your handling of them and by how you describe yourself. You pretty much see everything from “work” spectacles. Chop chop... use of time and bottom line.

I’m pretty sure your wife and children don’t support the image you have of yourself. Successful businessman maybe, but against what criteria have you benchmarked yourself? Surely not against one where balance, happiness and harmony co-exist.

Your wife’s isolation belies a relationship that has lost its focus. Unless you’re prepared to look critically at your behaviour, you may not be able to save your marriage or be a suitable role model for your children.

How would you like your children to remember you? Would you like them to think of you as an absent father (think how this makes them feel) or as the best dad they ever knew?

If you choose the latter, what qualities would you need to develop and what character strengths must you have?

By your example, what values have you taught your children so far?

Question of What You Want

“IF a miracle occurs while you sleep and you wake up the next morning to find everything working according to plan, what would you see, hear and feel? First they ask you this question then they charge you RM500 an hour!” This is how a senior administrator described his coaching experience to me.

Yesterday, as I worked through a negotiation between two parties, the CEO… the one who obviously needed to step up and deliver, blurted: “I don’t need coaching.”

A stand-off ensued.

“I can’t understand the fuss about KPI. It’s like my parents are watching over me,” lamented an industry leader.

What makes us dislike following through on the detail? Or we procrastinate. How come so many of us talk but fail to do? I’m sure these considerations have influenced the consulting, training, coaching and mentoring of leadership development and performance management… and our government’s use of KPI.

“Key Performance Indicator” is a statement that describes our goals and objectives. KPIs demand tangible, measurable signs that indicate the achievement of our goals.

As we aspire to 2020, increased competitiveness and self-actualisation (fully living our potentials to realise our dreams) we must work to keep translating great ideas into actions and outcomes. More than that, we need to coach these behaviours into our neurology, so that they become our habits, our automatic way of being in the world.

Sometimes the outcomes we want aren’t a direct result of what we do, but rather as by-products of actions we take over time. For example, courage, confidence and freedom only result from ongoing effectiveness. Of course we could imagine these from our living room armchair, but in reality, we’d be operating in theory.

The real miracle question is elegant in its simplicity: What do you want?

Is that all? What else? What do you really want by wanting that? In what context do you want these, by when? Will these arise directly from what you do or will they come to fruition as an after-effect of certain accomplishments? Have you got everything you need to create the results you want? How will you know when you’ve achieved your desired outcome?

This KPI thing isn’t as easy as it sounds. The big question is, what will we do to make this plan real and actual? It goes beyond core competencies… KPIs demand that we coach emotions and personality because KPIs also refer to people’s level of engagement, their passion, values, and work ethic. As the 1Malaysia concept states: More than justice, equality and tolerance, we want acceptance, appreciation, and mutual respect. More than education, we want loyalty, resilience, wisdom and integrity.

The guy who discounted his coaching session probably wasn’t engaged in a dialogue that cut to the heart of the matter. It was probably just a casual chat — no one was accountable to any outcome. Coach and client’s conversation wasn’t likely to have addressed understanding, motivation, decision or inspiration, resources so crucial for facilitating implementation and producing quality outcomes.

So how do we manage KPI around leadership, entrepreneur – development, confidence, responsibility, trustworthiness and other intangible characteristics? The skill is to benchmark behavioural indicators of those traits. Here’s how I would facilitate.

So you want more (confidence). Great! With whom specifically? Anyone else? In what type of situations exactly?

Have you experienced confidence? Wow! This means you’ve achieved things that resulted in your feeling confident. So you have the ability to do it again… and again.

How confident are you now on a scale of 1-10?

Describe what confidence means to you... how would I be able to see, hear and feel that? What else would confirm that you’re a confident person? Anything else?

How much do you want confidence? Really? That much! How is confidence important to you? If that’s true, are you prepared to do whatever it takes to have it? When do you want this confidence by?

What else can you get from this newfound confidence? How else would it serve you to be more confident? Could being more confident hurt you in any way at all?

What would be the most important thing we could work on today so that you really feel our time and effort are well spent? How much would you appreciate having us resolve these issues that stand in the way of your being confident?

From the list of things you mentioned, could you do all that? Right... by the end of this hour, would you have decided on at least three ways to sort those issues out? Would those be realistic solutions for you?

So by our next session can we review the progress you’ve made? Now are we ready to get started?

Stay In the Game

I HATE to burst your bubble but there’s no real secret to success. There is no stairway to heaven, no magic carpet ride to castles in the sky. Yet hoards of people are in search of some quick fix New Age secret. Enduring lives of quiet desperation, these people will latch onto anything and everything they think can release them from hard truth and harm’s way; hoping this magical thing (wooo... ooooo) will catapult them to life above and beyond. I don’t care to add to the illusion and cause of disillusionment of that kind of shallow thinking. I’m sorry but we can’t think ourselves rich or thin or healthy. Success in anything has one fundamental aspect — effort. Many attend workshop after workshop. Like in trance, they mouth cliches from various gurus. So, hypnotised by slogans and jargon, their analytical mind fails to question, “How exactly will this work?” That’s just it. They expect “it” to do the work. Few actually consider how they must work — to succeed.

I always ask, when the excitement dies down, what measure of value would you have gained, what would you now do differently, that if you did it consistently and repeatedly, would bring you the life you so desire? Sure — you can learn new things at any time in your life if you’re willing to be a beginner. If you learn to like being a beginner, the whole world opens up to you. Okay but when were you planning to achieve excellence and mastery? Aren’t you interested in going for gold? Ahh... so the dabbler’s real purpose is to wallow in mediocrity! That’s why so few persevere. They give up at the slightest challenge. These are the dreamers, great thinkers, and philosophers among us. Rather than to commit and do, they compare and complain... and miss that fast track to the finish line. Think of Olympic athletes — they focus and practice... and practice... and practice. And they achieve results beyond our wildest imagination. If you think you have to make huge changes and expend a ton of extra energy to achieve bigger and better results, consider this. At 99oC, water is very hot. At 100oC, it boils. With boiling water comes steam. And with steam, you can power a train. The key learning is this: Small things can make tremendous differences. Don’t quit.

Add a few hours each month to your self-development and you will have invested the equivalent of a full work-week in your most valuable asset — YOU. Make an extra contact each day. Follow-up with one customer, call a prospect, have an encouraging talk with a member of your team. With contact comes opportunity. In one year you’ll have opened more than 300 doors of possibility.

Eliminate half an hour of watching television each day and you’ll gain 182.5 hours (equivalent to four and a half weeks) each year to use elsewhere. Where else can you give a little more effort? What small changes can you make that will benefit you if done repeatedly and consistently? What can you do... what will you do... to enjoy the rewards that come from “turning up the heat” one extra degree? Find those opportunities — and seize them! Happy as you are? Think it’s not worth the trouble? There’s no hope anyway? Be careful, a chip on the shoulder is too heavy a piece of baggage to carry through life. Remember, the intention is to live our best life. We may not get perfect but we can get better. I’ve decided: Whatever is in my power to do, I will do. What about you? Winston Churchill said: “There comes a special moment in everyone’s life, a moment for which that person is born. That special opportunity, when he seizes it, will fulfill his mission — a mission for which he is uniquely qualified. In that moment, he finds greatness. It is his finest hour.” Just as I am powerful, I want to empower you to a life of courage, confidence, and freedom. I want to inspire the discovery of your personal definition of success so that you find your unique mission in the world. How wonderful life would be if we were all reconnected — through our greatness. This would mean we would have found our fulfillment, our reason for being.

Heed Your Personal Powers

“I’M upset you think so poorly of me,” the husband said. “You criticise me all the time.”

“I’m merely telling you how I feel when you demonstrate your lack of trust in me,” replied the wife.

“I love you.

I’m hoping we could talk this out, so that we can get to understand each other better.” Husband: I’m not talking to anyone who only wants to find fault with me. Do you feel threatened when someone disagrees with you? When another challenges your reality, do you give yourself time to understand the context within which the other person is speaking, or do you immediately and defensively launch into attack? How much do you value yourself — do you feel safe enough about who and what you are, to respect other people for their choice of thoughts and feelings, words and actions? If we develop potential by expanding our abilities, and if resilience and flexibility are measures of success, then our capacity to accept another person’s perspective, receive and respond to criticism, and handle provocation without personalising, is a sure sign of strength. As I strengthen my mastery around coaching-consulting, as I up-skill on my speaking-training, as I am consistent that my business must generate value and wealth and success for myself and for my clients, my relationships, and my community, it never ceases to amaze me how people have stepped up, blossomed in confidence, and outperformed beyond their wildest imagination. I wish I could take all the credit, but truly, it belongs to those who’ve embraced the learning, and especially to the developer of this miraculous human technology, Dr Michael Hall. Practising the simple skill of taking charge of our awareness is in itself, life-enhancing.

Yes, we can tell our brain what to do! Accessing and applying our personal power — to think, feel, speak, and act — also takes us forward and upward by leaps and bounds.

By realising we fully own these powers, we know we are fully responsible for our thoughts, feelings, words, and behaviour. And since we have control over these, why not be proactive about choosing the most empowering, most productive resources? Now that we know we can design our own destiny, it serves us to accept and appreciate this fundamental truth: That everyone is different, and that our understandings are as individual and as varied as our origins. By assuming less, we judge less.

Ourselves included.

So why not repress less and respect more? Wouldn’t this make us more authentic, validating and purposeful? Our purpose, after all, is happiness.

The faster we accept that we are responsible for our own happiness, the sooner we stop expecting and demanding this from others, and the more we get to relax into our experience of life. Funny how our reactions to others are expressions of the type of world we live in.

There are three main types of love: “Tit for Tat” love, “In Spite Of” love, and love’s highest form — reverence and worship. “Tit for Tat” love is conditional — we give as good as we get.

Here, we’re so busy keeping score, we often feel tired out! “In Spite Of” love is best illustrated by mother’s love.

Reverence is esteem we offer unquestioningly — usually in faith due to what we value highly. What type do you practise most? Brave are you who pursues self-awareness, for knowing yourself is a pre-requisite for change and transformation.

Quick check 1.

When around others, pay attention to what triggers strong emotions in you - could be words, gestures, tonality, etc.

Being aware will help you uncover the meanings hiding behind your thoughts and actions. 2.

Be curious about what you are feeling and in which part of your body you are experiencing it.

Accept whatever comes but refuse to label anything. 3.

Allow yourself to fully feel.

Why take yourself so seriously? It’s all just human stuff. 4.

Your feelings arise from your understanding.

Feelings are born of perception, not reality.

Therefore your feelings don’t always tell the truth.

Your perception, or meanings, when enhanced, will become building blocks for your self-development. 5.

Remembering your ultimate intention is happiness, and given that you have access to your four personal powers, what would you do next time you recognise these triggers? To me, happiness means being real and authentic so that I can make meaningful connections with people.

To what degree are you able to be real and actual in your life? To that degree, you are living your best life.

Power play kills empathy Q: I don’t want to improve my relationship with my husband.

This way, I get more out of him.

When he feels I’m upset (and to keep the peace at home), he is more likely to give into what I want and do as I say.

The other option is worse.

If I allow us to work at loving and understanding, there’s no way he would have the patience to put in the effort.

I feel sad for doing this.

A: Sounds like your plan is working.

You have power over your husband — only you’re hurting someone you are meant to care about. I’m thinking not only are you feeling sad, but the intimacy between you is suffering too. What do you want more — the rewards from your control, or a close partnership with your husband? You did say the latter is worse.

So what is causing the sadness? Sounds like you’ve decided for your husband about his level of patience and commitment to your marriage. You’ve made assumptions about his responses.

What if you allowed him a say in this? So far, it’s only been about what you can get from him.

Have you thought long-term? If you were in his shoes, how long would you be able to keep up with you dominating and him working to keep the peace? If I may offer a mind-read, I think you are working to make everything easier for everybody. But here’s the thing.

The only way healthy relationships grow is with empathy, unconditional respect and authenticity. These healing responses keep the love alive.

This means accepting and celebrating each other’s differences.

Are you up for it,or will you choose sadness? The past keeps creeping up Q: My husband had an affair and I forgave him.

Or I thought I did.

But I continue to punish him for it.

I’m frequently bad-tempered and I criticise him a lot.

He knows where I’m coming from so he takes it.

I wish I could be kinder but it hurts too much. A: Yes, being cheated on hurts.

You’ve suffered.

Suffered how exactly? Well, perhaps your pride dented, maybe your self-esteem eroded, or the image in your mind of “happy couple” got warped. I understand.

Now what? You can go on punishing your husband (and yourself).

Then what? How much more suffering do you want? I don’t mean to let men off easy, but you’ve got to understand men can be weak.

They can’t stand to be No.2 after the children.

They need to feel wanted and needed and looked up to all the time.

They get anxious when we start talking and wanting to share “feelings”. Plus I’m told men’s (brains) are special because it can separate love and love-making. So there’s a chance men don’t really mean harm, they’re just hungry for the “cookie”. For the sake of your own happiness, why not put the past behind you? Why not use that energy to build a new and different relationship with your man? Don’t be afraid to state your terms.

Make your rules. “Cookies only from my kitchen, or else!” Invest in your marriage ...and live to enjoy the proceeds.

In Search of Clarity

CLARITY is like a diamond. The cleaner, the more rare, more precious and more sought-after.

Like how cut, colour and carat affect value, clarity’s cousins are focus and concentration, confidence, congruence and alignment. Clarity lends success to purpose and intention. The wise know well how a lack of clarity can cripple. Morpheous: Welcome, Neo. I imagine right now you’re feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole? I can see it in your eyes — you have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he expects to wake up. Do you believe in fate, Neo? Neo: No, because I don’t like to think that I’m not in control of my life.


Morpheous: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain, but you can feel it. You’ve felt it in your entire life. You know there’s something wrong with the world; you don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind.


Do you know what I’m talking about? Do you want to know what it is? The Matrix is everywhere. It’s the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.


In the movie The Matrix, Lawrence Fishburne plays Morpheous. He challenges Neo, played by Keanu Reeves, by asking him what he understands by “truth”, and how much of what he knows is actually real. The movie illustrates wonderfully how our perceptions weave a convoluted web that when not analysed, classified, deduced and clarified, can often confuse, complicate, distort truth and immobilise our progress. Best with a clear head, we analyse, decide, know and trust. By our senses we see, hear, feel, touch, taste and intuit. By our mind, body and emotions we experience, understand and learn. Yet science proves that whatever we consider real is only vibration. “Things out there” (including you and I) are just sub-atomic particles vibrating, producing electromagnetic energy at various frequencies. These vibrations cause electrical and chemical activity in our brain. And miraculously we become aware. Then “in here”, we know. In the absence of vibration, there’s no experience. See what happens when we get clear? It can be life-changing, even transformational. Then again, reality is different at various levels of awareness. Just think how over-generalising and pre-supposing, omitting, personalising, and black-or-white thinking could colour and distort truth. We do this all the time, and there are thousands more perceptual filters that hypnotise us into oblivion! In the theatre of our mind, all make up our own movie about life by the meaning we give to whatever is happening and by the way we code and categorise what’s going on in our world. Be careful how you navigate through life — the map is not the territory! So how do you get clear? Start by wanting to know for sure who you are. What do you want? Do you feel people “get” you? The meaning of your communication is the response you get! People say ignorance is bliss, but whose enjoyment are you satisfying by your ignorance? As we get clear about who we are and what we can do, we self-actualise. Our self (consciousness) grows. As we engage our potential, we improve our expertise. We improve our ability to recognise critical distinctions others fail to see. If you don’t see it, it isn’t there for you. The wise learn to look, so we see more and more each time. Bliss belongs to the conscious! You get in the way of truth when you freeze everything in time — space. When you over-identify with facets of self, you become a prisoner to your roles, titles and labels.


Truth is, we’re all in the process of being and becoming, transforming and actualising. I have a body, but I am not my body. I can feel emotion, but I am not my emotion. I have an intellect, but I am not that intellect. My behaviour is only an expression of myself. My thoughts and feelings are impermanent projections of myself. What would remain after I discard my mind, body and emotions? The essence of my self, my consciousness is the only “thing” which gives “me” a sense of permanence. After all, without consciousness there would be no life.


“Know that one thing; by knowing which, everything else is known,” teaches the Vedanta. No need to be a poet or a preacher. To your self, be true.


True strength comes from within Q: Please explain what the higher self is. At present, my life is so messed up — my husband just lost his job, I suspect our only son is addicted to something, and suddenly I’m the sole wage earner in the family. I fear I’m going to break down. Is the higher self the stronger self? A: You mentioned the higher self. Then you must have some suspicion, even if remote, that the spirit exists at some level. That somewhere, something greater than our imagination, is possible. That higher self refers to that part of us that has access to that realm beyond our imagination. Some call it God, others call it soul, conscience or life force. We all have it.

Let me invite you to step back from your life as you know it. Close your eyes and imagine yourself on a balcony looking down at all that’s happening to you. Remove yourself emotionally from what you see. Just observe. Now imagine a third position, from a much higher place, that isn’t fixed in earthly space. Imagine this place among the stars, so beautiful that you gape in awe. Now you appear like a spec in the distance. Check your feelings.


Your higher self is in touch with the real you — the one that belongs to all of creation. It stands guarantee to your immense potential. Just like the cosmos, it offers infinite possibilities. Take a snapshot of that image and keep it in your heart. Now go and feel that — really breathe the feeling in.


Now what were you saying about lack of strength? Just look within and trust. You will overcome. There are no mistakes — everything is on purpose.


Act on your thoughts Q: You knock the Law of Attraction. Didn’t you say our thoughts are powerful? What other strategy can you offer if I want to get the things I want? I’ve read about creative visualisation. I suppose you disagree with that, too? A: Somebody is actually paying attention to what I say. Thank you for the compliment! The Law of Attraction falls short on one score. It says our thoughts manifest — that’s exactly right. Then we must act on our thoughts. Act consistently and repeatedly. Act in ways that leave ego out of the equation. Then the universe, in all its bounty, will conspire with your intention to bring you what you want.


A few guidelines on how to get your ego out of the way: 1. Live independent of the good or bad opinion of others. In simple language, lose your addiction to approval, praise and compliments; refuse to personalise criticism. 2. Just go do your best.


3. Focus on the process and detach from the outcome.


4. Release the need for power over others.


5. Practise gratitude. Gratitude is especially successful because when we experience gratitude, ego cannot dominate. Now the process: Ask for what you desire. Affirm with compelling reasons (first get ego out of the way). Commit that you will do everything within your power to have what you want. Don’t quit. Banish all thoughts of failure. Keep refreshing your vision of what you wish for. Continue to fuel your dream with passion.

Genius ... who me?

Student: I was so scared, I froze.
Tess: What thoughts entered your mind, that made you access the state of fright? What pictures did you see in the theatre of your mind... that sent a command to your nervous system, causing your body to “freeze?”
Student: My teacher pouted, pointed, paused, then she pounced.
Tess: What did she seem like when she did that?
Student: Like a wicked witch.
Tess: How big was she... what colour was she?
Student: Like a monster... big and black. Her finger was boney.
Tess: And how did you feel then?
Student: Horrible... Ugggghhhhh. Like she wanted my blood.
Tess: Hmmm... if the best learning is when we’re relaxed and having fun, is inducing fear a great strategy for encouraging learning?
Answer: NO (duh).

EVERY experience (positive or negative) has a structure. Therefore we can, if we’re not careful and most times unconsciously if we stay around others along enough, imitate their characteristics or habits (useful or not) and become like them.

Like how history and culture can affect our way of being in the world – whether corporate or social – and we only ever realise we exhibit these traits when we control quality and practice self-awareness.

When our sensibility kicks in, we notice our quirks or when other people say, “Oh how fascinating!” or “Eeew, yuk!”

What’s important about knowing this is... because human beings share the same neurology – if someone can, we can.

Remember the one-minute mile? Yes, after Roger Bannister ran it, suddenly hundreds could do the same. That’s right, we can when we think we can! And what we want is to consciously model genius, not unconsciously mimic idiots. What we want is to constantly measure ourselves against the greats, not mark ourselves down or sell ourselves short by imitating mediocrity.

For five years now, I’ve travelled far and wide to study the process and format of what enables people to perform their unique and personal excellence. I’ve spent time working with genius of all types – entrepreneurs, entertainers, coaches and trainers (like me) and also the less official kind – social workers, university students, and parents.

All the time, I ask myself, “How are they able to be so extraordinarily successful... so effective, and yet able to live and breathe peace and happiness? How is it that the product of their genius expands and spreads happiness all around to others?

Of course, every man I interviewed claimed to be an expert lover. (And they were only too eager to demonstrate how.) Fortunately genius is as genius does, and their trail of evidence isn’t solid enough to convince me!

Here’s the pattern. From countless hours of interviews and listening (even to what isn’t said) from calibrating facial expression, gestures, spatial and non-verbal cues, I’ve discovered that everyone I consider an expert, goes through this process. Definition of expert: Someone who has accomplished more in their field than others and has the supporting social panorama as evidence.

1. Honouring Self

Each subject has a high level of self-esteem and a firm belief in their capabilities. While they all understand and accept they have weaknesses, each subject has a strong sense of response-ability and ownership over their existence, believing they have power over Self and control over their choices.

2. Clearing interruptions

Each subject has an array of “tools and tactics” that successfully removes blockages, resistance or excuses. In order for them to perform at higher levels, they deploy any or all of these, thus clearing the pathway to excellence. The belief frame is, “it’s a long and winding road to success – when the going gets tough, the tough get going.”

3. Intense focus and purposefulness

Each subject knows exactly what they want. They do not dabble. They have a definite strategy for personal effectiveness and get a twice done in half the time. They work all the time. They say, “what I do is so enjoyable, it doesn’t seem like work at all.”
Imagine applying yourself to life at your genius levels! After all, genius is only a state, just like inspiration and creativity are states.

No doubt, a complex state... or what we call an emergent state... a state that arises out of a combination of several states. Would focus + purposefulness + passion + creativity + curiosity increase your genius? What else could texture and fine-tune “genius” for you?

So how will you know when you’re in the “zone?” Each subject describes a state of (wonder + delight + congruence + heightened awareness) — a place where time stands still and the world goes away... Hmmmm... Genius > Best Life. That’s so right!




Irritating boy in class who says silly things
Q: There’s a boy in my class who really irritates me. He’s always fooling around and wasting everybody’s time. He’s not actually dumb but it seems like he doesn’t get anything from what the teacher says. I want to shout, “what about that didn’t you understand?”. He says the silliest things.
A: So there’s a boy who fools around and seemingly doesn’t “get” his lessons.
What he does have is the ability to push your buttons, so much so you “get irritated” and want to shout.
You use labels like “not dumb,” “silly” and “wasting time”. I wonder... as you step back from all this, what are you beginning to realise about yourself — as his classmate, as a person?
Isn’t it funny how we learn about ourselves when we interact with others? There’s the tendency to judge, blame, label and make excuses, but the question really is, “who am I? What do I want?”. Is your self-identity dependent on other people’s behaviour or is it solidly up to you who you wish to be?
How we portray ourselves — if we have a “tit for tat” attitude — if we pick on others and compare them with ourselves, whether we have a superiority or inferiority complex, will show straightaway in our words and behaviour.
I like to play this game: I ask myself, “If I were a friend, what would I do? If I were to share my gifts, how would I behave?”
Ask yourself, “What would I need to think so he doesn’t have such power over me?”



So difficult to find good workers
Q: I’m a human resources manager in a small firm. It seems I can’t find good staff. Everyone doesn’t last. They all want less work, more pay. They say things like, “your business is too complicated for me”. What do I do?
A: You tell me! I’ve been asking myself the same question! I’ve also been noticing how I’m attaching unpleasant feelings to stuff when this happens.
I don’t like feeling those things (like self-flagellation: “Did I do something wrong?”), so I ask myself, “Hey what if I could experience something nice instead, as those people demonstrate what you described.
Now when I experience that, I play a cartoon in my head (like rewinding a funny film where the characters speak like chipmunks!)
And when that happens, I do a quiet giggle and I’m able to smile as I feel the humour come through.
What else can I say? What can we do? For as long as people have this “Gimme! Gimme!” attitude (meaning they want to take and not give) or they keep “I can learn!” out of their menu list of possibilities — then I say arm and insulate yourself with as much humour as you possibly can.
That’s how I stay positive. Find out what technique will work for you.

Start At The Top

IT’S a commonly described phenomenon — that as we draw our last breath, it’s the life we didn’t live, the money we didn’t spend, the nurturing things we wish we had said and the love we could’ve shown, that we regret most.

They say in our final moments, life plays itself out in the theatre of our mind and we weep as we cringe at our misses, loss of what could’ve, should’ve and would’ve been.

In The Bucket List, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman are old men suffering incurable illnesses. Nicholson encourages Freeman to make a list of what he will do before he “kicks the bucket.” As they cross items off their lists, we come to a scene where Freeman asks his friend: Have you found true joy in your life? What joy has your life brought others?

Linda Ellis wrote the poem, Have You Lived Your Dash. There, she asks us to visualise the inscription on our tombstones and to pay attention to the between the year we were born and the year we pass.

How are you living your (-)? When was the last time you felt really excited to be alive? Are you confident your life will add up to something solid? Do you feel you are making a meaningful difference, living true to you? Or are you spending your (-) going through the motions, acting out someone else’s script?

It’s sobering to face the truth, isn’t it? Luckily truth stands forever.

1. While anger cannot sustain, love endures.

2. There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.

3. I have my way, you have yours — as for the only way, no way!

I propose we recall the truth of who we are and free ourselves from other people’s stories.

I say choose mastery over misery. It’s time we let go of the stuff that’s been weighing us down. Drop the baggage... start 2010 at the top. Let’s go... 3-2-1... lift off!

Hello, I’m looking around and I don’t see too many of you. What gives? What’s that? You haven’t decided? Friends, nothing will happen until you decide. You may have great dreams and world-class strategies, but if you don’t take action, everything will remain the same. Non-decision takes the form of procrastination, lethargy, skepticism or confusion, opposite from the states that bring success — congruence, certainty, focus, intensity. Isn’t success what you want?

“I lack motivation. If I were motivated, I would have more energy to pursue my passion. Isn’t that what you do? Conduct motivational workshops?”

I feel my skin crawl as I gnash my teeth. Excuses, complaints, assumptions — I’m alert to the language of powerlessness. I’m not sure who is being discounted — they or me. The person is suggesting “motivation” is something one derives from external sources. They are assuming I go about “injecting” this motivation steroid into people, winding them up like Energizer bunnies.

Doesn’t that make me someone who serves the sick and needy? Are you it? No. You’re perfectly okay, just wanting more from life — natural stimulus of the human experience.

“What’s your motive?” I ask. Yes, it’s YOUR motive, what YOU want. It either takes you away from or leads you to something. Is your motive big enough to drive you towards your best life? If it isn’t then you might need someone to coach you in the right direction. Or be prepared to spend another year stuck.

The result will be a reflection of both you and me. Successful coaching leads to effective actions, but a client who doesn’t implement will not succeed.

The expert remembers: Our behaviour results from our state. So if we want peak performance, we must produce and maintain empowering, resourceful, enriching, energetic and inspiring peak states to ensure we make good things real in our life.

This year, and at the dawn of a brand new decade, I invite you to enjoy uplifting change, exhilarating personal and professional growth.

Why not challenge yourself to discover a higher state and then use this energy to transform yourself and others with certainty and conviction? I dare you to embrace excellence, to nurture it, cultivate it and make it your standard as you achieve a year that overflows with accomplishment and fulfillment.

Now time to dash!

Handling verbal abuse

Q. Sadly, everyone knows verbal abuse. Words hurt, despite the saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. Verbal abuse causes depression, loss of confidence, suicide, and even murder. Besides confronting the abuser, what should one’s mindset and perspective be regarding this?

A: Depends on how you define verbal abuse. Some cannot even tolerate the slightest criticism. Any evaluation they don’t consider positive is viewed as a personal attack. These people lack the tools to respond, so they “take in” the information, and (sadly as you say) allow it to cause depression, loss of confidence etc.

In the film Matrix, Neo (new man) visits Morpheous (the transformer)

Morpheous: It seems you’re feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole. You know something is wrong with the world but you can’t explain. You feel it, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.

Neo: The Matrix?

Morpheous: The world has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheous: That you were born into slavery, into a prison that you cannot see or smell... a prison of the mind.

The lesson is that life is an illusion. Unless we wake up to the truth of who we are, we will suffer disorientation, and experience “stuckness”.

Therefore it is crucial to protect our self-esteem, to honour our infinite and intrinsic value. Everything else doesn’t exist, unless of course, we allow it into our world.

Managing a passive aggressive

Q. I’m a manager and most unfortunately I have a “passive aggressive” reporting to me. This person must have had a bad upbringing as evidenced by the obvious display of arrogance and dislike towards people with authority. How do I make this person see reason and perform as a competent employee, and not lose my cool as I have been doing in the past?

A: A passive aggressive can’t frame collaboration, cooperation, synergy, sharing. This person cannot fathom that there is a gentler, more humane lifestyle. My approach would be to talk directly with them and say, “Look, here’s the thing. Things around here are going to be... I’d really like it if you would... I could use your support. Perhaps we both have different styles and I may have misunderstood you. I’m open to understanding if you would spend some time explaining what you want. Let’s see how we can work things out.”

They won’t change after one conversation. They’ll be testing you. It’s their nature to be suspicious. Of course you won’t buck and soon enough the change will kick in. Show plenty of acceptance and appreciation for their way. There’s got to be something that works for them. Usually protectionist behaviour that hurts them more than it affects others.